Blessed Mourning

Growing more ill each winter, my husband and I had no explanation for our son’s worsening respiratory symptoms. We had taken him to countless ER and Dr’s office visits that left us with more questions than answers. Why was he having so many recurring lung infections? Why did he have headaches most winter days? How were we going to keep him healthy enough to give him immune system suppressing meds for his arthritis? Why is our other son who is otherwise healthy now having daily headaches, nausea and nose bleeds? And why am I feeling nauseated and having daily headaches? As fall began turning to winter, the pieces of the puzzle began to come together. We found mold in the home we were renting. Too much mold to be repaired while we continued living there. Upon this discovery we were advised by doctors to move in order to improve our sons conditions. Knowing we had to move quickly we searched for another apartment immediately. We found one and put our thirty day notice in. Unfortunately, the next day the apartment deal fell through and our current landlord now wanted us out within the next 20 days to begin renovations and repairs. The pressure of life at that point was painful and as with every trial a choice was placed before me. To go to God with the pain and pressure or rebel and handle it on my own. I had two natural inclinations, neither godly. The first was to ignore the infection of fear and anxiety that were setting in by rebelling through overeating and just saying that I thought everything would work out ok. The second inclination was to embrace the fear and anxiety as truth and question God’s goodness. Praise be to God that option three was available! In Matthew 5:4 Jesus himself tells us,“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted”. The first thing that I did was cry, but not as someone who has no hope. I cried out to a loving God. I took captive the thoughts that God was unloving and made a decision to trust His word rather that what I could see and feel in that moment. Mourning before God is ok and a necessary step to receiving his comfort. However, we must be careful to not confuse mourning before God with complaining to God. Mourning before God is an honest sharing of your heart with a loving and sovereign God. It humbly seeks to find comfort in Christ. Complaining before God is a prideful act that demands answers that are devised of our own strength alone. When we mourn before God the comfort that follows is well received with a thankful, faithful heart. When we complain to God the only response we are ready to except is our way or the highway and even getting what we want makes us feel like we accomplished the solution on our own by demanding of God. My greatest challenge in times of trouble is not my present circumstance, but rather my own reckless heart that seeks to run from the pressure of trials rather than rejoice, grow and be comforted. Upon choosing to trust God rather than my emotions and lay my heart open before a loving God, the Lord proved himself faithful. Instantly I had precious friends interceding in prayer on our behalf for circumstances and peaceful hearts. Within ten days we had signed a lease to a beautiful allergen free home and within the next ten days that followed we were packed up and moved out. The Lord provided amazing friends that came to help pack, clean and move. Our prayers answered were carried out through the work of their hands. Presently I frustrate myself as I look back at just one time out of countless times that the Lord has proved himself faithful. As life carries on this side of heaven, there will always be trials to face, circumstances to overcome and attitudes to tame yet for some reason I find myself to be much like the disciple Peter. I step out of my comfy boat into a storm to follow Jesus. Stepping out in faith to answer his call. But somehow my focus becomes the storm rather than the savior and I sink deeper and deeper until I feel that I am drowning in a life that I seconds before was praising God for walking in victory over! Same storm, same savior, different perspective. Once I stop treading life's storms with faith I am in contradiction to Gods word and stop living a life God can bless until like a disobedient child the behavior is corrected before the blessing is bestowed. I stand before God today a humbled woman, thankful for the forgiveness and grace that he faithfully extends to those who love him. During a present storm of life's circumstances that are currently tossing my little boat of comfort around a reckless sea, I embraced fear and anxiety and the fruit that came of it was not pretty. I am saddened by what blessings and comfort I missed today as I chose to follow the waves of my emotions rather than to anchor my soul in Christ. Riding the waves I was injured emotionally and hurt those around me with my words and attitudes. I am reminded of Paul as he says in Romans 7:24 “Oh wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of sin and death?” As my day unfolded, I was definitely not living out it’s intended outcome. I felt so helpless and hopeless by the end of riding my own emotionally turbulent boat ride! My life today was deeply lacking the fruits of the spirit shared in Galatians 5:22-23, “... love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, [and] temperance…” Thankfully,one amazing attribute of God is Grace. So even though I failed today to avoid the infection of fear and anxiety, I serve a loving God who forgives my sin and whose mercies are new each morning. I can choose any minute of any day as long as the Lord gives me breath to choose his will rather than mine. God will still give me a way through this present storm as I turn from my current rebellion and back to his loving arms. The beautiful thing will be the fruit and growth that is obtained during this time as long as I faithfully lay my heart before him, with mourning and rejoicing and choose to obey 1 Corinthians 10:5-6 which says, “Casting Down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.” It is out of my control to command the storm to be still, however I can command my soul to anchor in Christ. The time, duration and intensity of each of life's storms is in the hands of God, but I can choose to look to Him rather than the waves of circumstance that taunt me to fear. I can choose this very moment to turn my rebellious heart to him and receive the blessings of comfort and ministry that he can only share with a heart and mind that is abiding in him. Lord thank you for your grace and truth that sets us free and the mourning that leads to repentance and comfort regardless of life's current storm.