He Loved Me First

The bitterly cold winter air surrounded me as I loaded the back of our SUV with my families’ trinkets.  We had been out visiting several hours past our usual bedtime and it was now time to get our two precious sons home and snuggled into their warm beds.  Tired and determined to make up for lost time, I focused on hurrying through the task at hand when all of the sudden my 10 year old son burst open the front doors of his great grandma’s house, raced down the steps of the front porch and jumped into my arms in a full blown hug!  Startled, I braced myself to hold all 89 pounds of his trisomy 21 happiness.  After kissing my cheek he grabbed my face with both hands and shouted, “I love you too mommy! I love you TOO!”  I was struck by the fact that I hadn’t just told my son that I love him yet in his statement of love he used a response phrase.  My heart was warmed despite the cold dark night as the Bible verse 1 John 4:19 “We love him [God] because he first loved us.” came to mind and I realized that how my son just approached me is how I should be approaching my father in heaven.  As a redeemed child of the king, I should boldly approach God’s face without hesitation, in response to His great love and with complete faith in the strength of our relationship and God’s ability to hold me when I jump fearlessly into his arms.

Flash forward to the warm days of spring and the truth that the Lord spoke to me that cold winter night has continued to be an echo in my head as I have continued on the path that God himself has crafted and placed before me.  As it is in this life, everyday does not take me through rose gardens and mountain tops but also valleys and difficult places. I am learning that God’s word is perfectly designed for both. What I thought was a challenging trial already with going back to part time work to help take care of our son’s medical needs while continuing with the busy life of a homeschooling mom of two sons and a wife to a husband with a busy insurance career suddenly proved itself simple after a mid-February work accident complicated my life further.   

Injured on the job, I have been left to heal from level two whip lash affecting my neck and back and navigate the world of workers comp claims.  To say it has been a challenge would be an understatement yet the most challenging factor in this circumstance has been my own heart.  I have made a point in the past to preach that God’s will, God’s way for God’s glory is the most important focus in life’s journey, yet I have been living by the doctrine of productiveness.  It wasn’t until I lost the ability to be physically productive that I realized how much my goal was to produce for Christ rather than to abide in Christ.  As each layer of responsibility has been added to my life, I have risen to the challenge to accomplish the level of productiveness that I perceived God was presenting. Yet when I have been asked to be fruitful without being physically productive, my identity has been challenged.  It has made me realize that I have strayed from the truths taught in john 15:4 by Jesus Christ himself, “Abide in me, and I in you.  As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.” During the busyness of the trial I had begun relying on Christ less and less and attempting to just keep pace with life.  Sadly I began feeling the effects of Galatians 6:4 “Christ has become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace.”  The fruit that I have slowly broken away to produce had been based on outward accomplishments, like the law rather than the fruits of the spirit revealed to us in Galatians 5:22 “…love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, [and] temperance…” that are produced only by abiding in the love of God. 

Six weeks in to my current temporary physical limitations I found myself in a state of lost perspective.  I was slowly but surely running low on love, joy and peace until I found myself in a puddle of tears running to my Dad in heaven boldly in prayer seeking to touch his face and gain perspective and strength.  The next morning by God’s divine providence it was Sunday morning.  As is custom for our family we attended a Sunday school class, a main service and an evening service at our local church.  Each time God’s word was taught it was as if each pastor had personally heard my prayer the night before.  Each conversation I had with my church family also left me in awe at the specific answers that God was bringing to me that day.  I have now made the decision to step out of my puddle of tears throw open the doors of my heart, run directly to God my father and jump into his arms with this present trial, trusting His strength to carry me through what remains.  Grabbing his face with both hands I find myself crying, “I love you too Abba, Father! I love you TOO!”  The choice to abide in God’s love has allowed me to trust what God is presently doing in my life to produce His fruit, His way that will glorify HIM!  There is no greater honor than to live a life that glorifies God.

 

Profit vs. Poverty

Weary and heavy laden I sat down on my couch quite discouraged by what the week in front of me held.  I had a list that seemed a mile long of deadlines that needed met and medical appointments that I was afraid to attend. Not to mention a dreadful head cold.   The more that I rattled on the list to my husband, the more pressure I felt placed upon my shoulders with each word I spoke.  My lips were defeating me before I ever got up to run.  All of the sudden it occurred to me how much time I was wasting talking about what I had to get done, instead of just getting it done!  At that moment I stood up, excused myself from the conversation and got busy on my pile of necessary work.  As I rolled my sleeves up and began addressing one task at a time, I found myself gaining momentum, courage and strength.  Lightheartedness began to replace the heavy hopeless heart that had gravitated me to the couch earlier.  The same tasks before me remained, as did the same appointments and schedule.  In fact the head cold and fatigue remained as well.  God did not change my circumstance one bit, yet my soul found rest in the Lord by stepping out on the biblical principle taught to us in proverbs 14:23 “In all labor there is profit: but the talk of the lips tendeth only toward penury.”  Talking about all my roles and responsibilities was only causing poverty in my life.  I literally wasn’t using the time I had been given to complete the tasks of the day and I was causing poverty to my soul as I robbed it of victory and hope.  But as I quit talking and started laboring profit was brought as my list was shortened with each accomplished task. Order and clarity came as I worked and my heart profited from overcoming in Christ through faith in his word rather than how I felt.  Truly we can trust Jesus when he beckons us in Mathew 11:28-30 “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  As we come unto the Lord he will give us the wisdom to prioritize what truly needs done each day.  It may stretch us or feel like too much, but it never will be because God is good and faithful and will never give us more than we can handle as we depend on him.  “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth  me.” Philippians 4:13.  We can fully trust God without hesitation and welcome his yoke upon our lives.  As we learn his ways and walk in them by faith we will truly find rest for our souls.  What an amazing God whose word transcends time and circumstance to bring rest to the weary soul.  If you know Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior, turn to him now, except his yoke, learn his ways, know his heart and find rest for your weary soul.

A Special Dad for Special Needs

As the warm morning light peered into my window this morning, beckoning me to wake up, I opened my eyes to see my husband dressed for business.  His face determined yet tired he was quietly gathering his things to head out the door for another days work.  Although this may seem mundane and ordinary to some, I happen to know why this touched my heart and caused it to swell with a great appreciation and pride for my husband.  Our ten year old son who has Down syndrome has been chronically ill for the past year and a half.  We have been to many doctors, specialists and emergency departments over the preceding year.  Several times his white blood cell count has dropped to a dangerous low, making him vulnerable to sickness with concern that he won’t be able to recover from an ordinary illness.  During these times of neutropenia, he is unable to go into public places, including the grocery store, church or therapy offices.  Currently we are enduring just such a time as we hunker down at home and trust the Lord for time slots that will allow us to go out and buy groceries, run errands and join our church family for spiritual growth and fellowship.  To add to the pressure, experiencing a year and a half of extra medical expenses, therapies and a move to help our sons health issues, we have exhausted many of our resources and my husband and I decided that it would be best for me to go back to work for a season to help replenish some savings and press on in finding some answers to our sons chronic health issues.  With our son’s volatile health in mind, we thought it would be best to work opposite shifts, so that both our sons would either be with Dad or Mom especially since our ten year old has been ill more than he has been healthy this year.  This also allows me to keep my primary job of homeschooling our two sons, managing special health concerns, as well as striving to be the wife, mother and friend that God calls me to be.

Many times I have sat down in exhaustion and called out to the Lord for mercy and strength and even questioned if I could carry on with the demands.  God has always met me at the point of humility and need as I pray with thanksgiving and give my petitions to Him (Philippians 4:6)  One of the most valuable gifts that I receive continually from the Lord is "the peace that surpasses understanding”(Philippians 4:7).  There is so much strength in peace.  Peace without understanding allows the storm to rage all around, unpredictably grabbing and throwing everything around us, yet we can stand confidently in the eye of the storm knowing that the character of God is good and sovereign and there is nothing to fear when we have a reverent fear of God himself.  I don’t understand the storm that we are in with our son right now, but I know that I can have the peace given only from God himself until it passes.

This morning as my husband was carrying on, he was this strength and peace personified.  Never complaining about running to the grocery store on his lunch break or late at night working and teaching the Wednesday night Jr. High at our church (as he had last night), or working extra-long hours to pay for our sons medical needs in addition to everything else that a Dad and husband provides for, or his own physical limitations due to a gunshot to the head as a teen.  He just keeps running the race that is set before him with courage and patience and joy.  Never giving up, looking back or expecting anything less from himself but that which Gods word asks of him.   Just as we are taught to do in Hebrews 12:1 "... let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us..." 

As I looked up to see my husband persevering through another day, pressing on to provide for me and our family, I considered myself extremely blessed.  I have heard it said that 85% of marriages affected by disability end in divorce.  At times my husband and I have discussed this statistic and empathized with people who believed the lie that it would be better to go it alone with a special needs child. And were saddened by those who grew weary and gave up and left the other spouse to pick up the pieces.  There is a tremendous strain put on our marriage with the lack of time together, late nights caring for a sick child and added financial needs, yet our greatest pressure has turned out to be our greatest asset.  Just as a diamond is created by the great pressure of the earth applied to its back in the hand of God the creator; so to I am seeing a diamond of a marriage being created under the pressure of this trial in the hand of God our creator.  The thankfulness and appreciation that I have for my marriage, my husband, my children and the simple gifts of life such as laughter, a sunny day, running errands together, a trip to the movies or baking cookies and having hot cocoa together is a gift that was written on my heart during this trial.  I hope as you read this today, you will seek God as Philippians 4:4-8 (KJV) implores us to “Rejoice in the Lord always; and again I say, Rejoice.  Let your moderation be known unto all men.  The Lord is at hand.  Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.  And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.  Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest. Whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.  Those things which you have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.” Choose today to receive the peace that surpasses understanding that is promised to all who have received Jesus Christ as their Lord and savior given by the God of peace to enable you to stand strong and be content under the pressure of whatever trial you are in.  Don’t forget to choose to have eyes to see all the diamond like gifts around you from God himself that can warm your heart with thankfulness and appreciation and place a joyful smile upon your face.  Think on these things.  Enjoy these things.  And finally, continue to do what you have learned to do from Gods word in the midst of trials.  In the good times and the difficult it is God’s principles that help guide and protect us. In the very heart of life’s dizzying storms Jesus Christ himself is our anchor, direction and hope.  It is him whom we can steadfastly follow regardless of circumstance as we depend on him to meet all our needs in this life and the life to come.

Purpose from Pain

Trials act as riverbanks which guide the powerful spirit that God has placed within us.  Without difficulties to test the prioritization of our lives, our efforts may leave us standing in the stagnant, lifeless waters of vain pursuits.  Instead we are gifted with circumstantial dams and riverbanks that limit our ability, yet strengthen Christ’s work in and through us.  For just as we harness power from an open dam; we are the most productive when harnessed by a loving God.

A dam without water released through it becomes stagnant, lifeless and contaminated; useless for work and destructive as it spills over into unwelcomed places.  A river poured through the presence of a dam becomes powerful and vital, bringing life and sustenance to those who welcome its efforts. So to, a soul confined by a trial can become stagnant and useless; yet a soul filled with Christ himself poured through the dam of a trial has great power and usefulness to bless others.  It has been in my own trials that Christ has proved himself strong when I was weak and in total control when my live was falling apart.  It was only after all the things in my life that I believed defined me and made me strong had  been atrophied from my life that I realized the true power and peace that God poured into and through me  in weakness.

Better than silver, better than gold, better than health, better than control, is being used by Christ to bring his glory to others despite my weakness and in some cases because of my weakness.  It has been during these times of trial that I finally understand why the apostle Paul would glory in his weaknesses. For it is often times when the world deems us useless for its purposes that we are the perfect candidates for usefulness in Christ and for Christ.  It is when I die to my own pursuits that I can live to fulfill the good deeds that Chris places before me each day of my life.  It is at this point that I can choose to faithfully trust that God has given me ALL that I need to pursue godliness.  Whether sick or healthy, brilliant or simple, fatigued or energized my God is on the throne directing my life’s purpose and giving me every ounce of physical, emotional and spiritual strength needed to complete HIS will for my life.  Daily, I need to use to the glory of God everything that he places in my hands and remain steadfast in thankfulness despite days of perceived insufficiency. If at times I am lacking in health or finances or energy then it is not a necessary tool to complete Gods will for that day. 

 Each day presents the choice to accept the entire will of God for our lives, both pleasant and difficult and allow him to produce good fruit during it all. Conversely, the other option is to choose to allow our lives to stagnate and become useless for glory behind the dam of a trial.  Trials will come.  Will they produce power or bitterness in your life?  The Lord has left the choice up to every believer to decide whether the trials that come will bless or brake, strengthen or shatter, define or destroy our lives purpose.

In Loving Memory of my Father in Law, Dale Senior.

SET FREE!

The waves of time have hit the shore;

Your time on Earth is no more.

Yet for you time still marches on;

You’ve been set free, your sins are gone!

You offered up a life of sinking sand;

Yet now on Christ the solid rock you stand.

In Heaven’s glory and Christ’s bright light;

Death is overcome and day is brought forth from night.

So until that day when we meet again;

We will praise God for forgiveness of sin.

Someday soon we will embrace you in Heaven;

And praise Christ together that the redeemed are forgiven!

Anxiety

Isaiah 26:3-4

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.  Trust in the Lord for ever” for in the Lord Jehova is everlasting strength.”

In the past I have always treasured the idea of peace yet found it elusive in my own life.  I would cry out to God begging him to change my circumstances so that I could have peace.  Or I would deny my feelings of anxiety by overeating or over busying myself.  Either way left me feeling hopeless and stuck, as well as disappointed that I was anxious and depressed instead of at peace and full of joy.  I had read Gods word and knew that I should be experiencing such a life, yet deep down, I knew I wasn’t.

Through this verse in Isaiah 26 the Lord exposed my faulty thinking.  Anxiety is a choice!  An anxious thought can be captured and submitted to Christ, but an anxious attitude is chosen and acted upon.

Anxiety and peace are placed before us by the way of various circumstances.  In that moment we are tempted to walk in anxiety rather than the way of the Lord, which is peace.  Once I place my foot on the path of anxiety I am walking away from faith and have chosen to cultivate the works of my flesh as in Galatians 5. However when I trust in the Lord regardless of circumstance, when I praise, worship, seek and lay  before him all my heart, mind and soul, I slay the flesh and the spirit of God within me rises up to rule my reactions to circumstance.  The path of peace is the path of righteousness that when walked upon cultivates the fruits of the spirit. Love, joy, peace patience, goodness, gentleness, kindness and self-control.  The path of anxiety is the path of destruction when walked upon damages the power, love and sound mind that Christ has gifted us with and tempts us to justify numerous abominations before our Lord.  So the battle is not to change every seemingly negative situation in our life but rather to keep our mind on Christ and choose to follow his word no matter what our feelings or fears. 

Today as the Lord revealed the relevance of this verse to my life I feel as though I am finally free.  Freed to have peace that surpasses the limited understanding that I possess regarding my curcumstances.  Free to be patient in my affliction of poor health.  Free to love, cherish and bring up in the ways of the Lord,  my 8 year old son who has Down syndrome.  Free to be excited about the endless, messy, creative inventions that my six year old blesses our home with throughout the day.  Free to thank God for the long hours that my husband works.  Free to give my heart to my husband who has looming health challenges trusting that God holds time in his hands. Yes today I am free like never before.  I have truly lost my old life full of worry and lacking faith and choose to run in Christ’s strength from the temptation of anxiety.  Peace and grace be with me through our Lord Jesus Christ and peace and grace be to any who read this testimony and call upon our Lord Jesus Christ for the same freedom he has given me.

Provision

The time has come to finish packing all of my families belongings and say goodbye to all that I have known of life since birth.  I am leaving my hometown in just a few short days to be reunited with my husband who has found work four months ago in a different state.  My heart leaps for joy at the thought of this season of separation coming to an end.  However feelings of sadness also accompany my soul as I say farewell to dear friends, close family and a community of well known faces.  My weary soul has found its burdains lifted by Christ so many times during this trial.  I have felt the physical, emotional and spiritual fatigue of caring for two small boys alone. I have fallen asleep on a pillow dappened with my tears of frustration.  My body has ached for a hug from my husband. Discouragement has tried to make its home in my heart everytime I wasnt able to make things perfect.  Yet I thank the Lord Jesus Christ for this trial.  I am able to count it joy, because for every need my husband was unable to fill during his absence, Christ Jesus himself filled!  When my physical, emotional and spiritual cup were emptied Jesus filled it up under the faucet of prayer.  When I fell asleep in tears, I woke up in the Lords new mercies.  When I longed for the arms of my husband to wrap around me and bring comfort, the Lord wrapped his arms around my soul and brought a peace that surpassed understanding.  When I felt discouraged about a lack of perfection, Christ gave me strength to do my best and in his grace took care of the rest.  Yes it has been a joy to meet Jesus in a deeper more dependant way.  Im now a stronger person because of this trial and ready to serve him in more ways than ever before.  I have a much deeper appreciation for my husband and children and also for the body of Christ who God has aslo used as the visible deliverers of the unseen to my life.  There were times when I would say a silent prayer to the Lord that I just needed a break and a friend would ask if they could watch the boys for a bit while I went for a jog! And that is just a single example of Gods grace that shined so brightly during this seemingly dark time in my life.  So if you are going through a trial of any kind right now, choose to obey Christ, not emotions or the patterns of this world, and watch and see the Lord show up in your firey furnace and supply all of your needs!